So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
