the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
