True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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