I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
