May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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