today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
