I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
When are your genitals available?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
