I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
