Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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