I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
