Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
