I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
