If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
