i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
