a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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