This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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