i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
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