So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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