today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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