This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
