GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
