Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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