The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Are my feet made of real feet?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
