Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
