Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
