Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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