Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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