Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
