Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
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