Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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