I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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