Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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