i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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