My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
