Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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