Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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