So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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