Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
