Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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