Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
