Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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