When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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