Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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