she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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