Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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