Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
