I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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