the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
