Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
