Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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