No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
