I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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